


The Perfect Place for Downtrodden Wolves

by Iyatiku



Series: The Wreck of Our Hearts [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First War with Voldemort, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iyatiku/pseuds/Iyatiku
Summary: Remus had already lost two best friends, he wasn't aware that he was about to lose a third.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: The Wreck of Our Hearts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727965
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	The Perfect Place for Downtrodden Wolves

**Author's Note:**

> I have not posted in over a year can. you. believe. I also haven't written anything for Potterverse since I was about 13 (so make that a full decade ago) and lastly, this is my first foray into anything to do with the Marauders, and I know it's been done a thousand times before, so, the standard: please be kind. 
> 
> There may be more of this? For now though, please enjoy.

" _No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear._ " - C. S. Lewis

* * *

The night Remus Lupin lost his best friends was inordinately warm for the time of year. It was as if the night had seen too much unpleasantness and granted them this mercy, at least. He’d cried so hard as he apparated that he found himself in a subway beneath some main road on his hands and knees, feeling like his stomach was on the wrong side of his body. The short tunnel was wet and sticky under his hands and reeked of waste. He stumbled out into a tidy little estate which at a closer glance, looked more like it was being held up by the last scraps of its residents’ paychecks. After a second of peering around in the dark he realised he’d walked out into a cul-de-sac, so picked up into a jog out onto the road beyond.

Everywhere he looked he saw hands, groping out, wands raised to attack. In the barely-there moonlight every shadow looked like an enemy. Eventually, he found himself in another alleyway, and felt safe enough to stop for breath. His lungs were aching in that way they had when he’d agreed to take a drag on Sirius’ pipe. The thought of the moment raked up his body like poison, and he felt the sweat spike across his calves, right up to the back of his neck. _Sirius where the_ hell _are you?_

He scrambled for his bag, plunging his hand into it and grasping around for the mirror, the one Sirius and James had so cleverly used to communicate while they were at school, but his fingers only came up against his wallet and notebook. His hands shaking, and the panic slowly warping into anger in his veins, he lifted the bag, sliding down the wall into a crouch, and tipped its contents out onto the floor. The action didn’t reveal anything more than the groping around had, and he let out a low growl of frustration before shoving his things back into the bag. It took only a few moments of stillness for the reality of the situation to hit him.

Voldemort defeated.

James and Lily dead.

Sirius a…a…

He couldn’t even bring himself to think the words.

He raked in another overlarge breath, so deep he didn’t think his lungs could contain it, and yet they demanded it anyway, over and over again, until he had to clasp a hand over his mouth so as not to wake the muggles on either side of alleyway. He felt rage towards them, sleeping on so ignorantly, never having had to fear in the first place. The gasping slowed at last into a controlled stream of breaths in and out of his nose, his teeth clamped together, hand gripping his wand so hard the soft undulations of its grip began to dig into his palm painfully.

A snap as though of a twig beneath a foot echoed toward him from one end of the alleyway and his breath caught in his throat. He waited for a pair of cat eyes, or the tail of a fox, but after almost ten seconds of silence, he slowly lifted his wand towards the noise.

“Thank God you’ve got some sense left, I thought you were just going to let me kill you where you sat.”

Remus scrambled to his feet, a difficult job with his awkwardly long limbs, and without a second thought, launched himself at the nearing figure. His fingers contracted around the front of the man’s shirt and turned him on the spot until he was pressed hard into the brick wall he’d just been crouched against.

“You’ll wake the muggles!’ The new arrival hissed.

“ _Muffliato_!” Remus hissed back, drawing a swift circle above his head. The traffic noises on the edge of hearing became suddenly muffled as though they had become trapped within a giant glass case. “Now start talking Sirius or I swear to God I _will_ kill you.”

Sirius, who had been smirking, fell suddenly lax under Remus’s hands, the smile falling right off his face. “I see news travels fast.” Remus tightened his grip, raising his wand so it was pointing directly upwards into Sirius’s throat. “Oh now _Moony-“_

“Don’t _Moony_ me!” He gasped, breath beginning to come in that painful overlarge way again, “You were their secret keeper! They- _we_ trusted you!” He was breathing so hard now that Sirius’ face was bobbing in front of his vision while his body rose and fell, and then without really realizing how, Sirius was the one holding _him_ up.

“Hey, okay, okay, alright just- down there, okay.” He guided Remus back to the floor, “Where’s your wand… it’s alright, _Lumos!”_ Light popped in front of his vision, too bright at first, and then as his eyes adjusted, and the air in front of him stopped swimming, Sirius Black’s face came looming into view. “There we go, take normal breaths you idiot.”

Remus didn’t take his eyes off Sirius’ face as the man looked up and down the alleyway. This still wasn’t making sense. The worried lines around the man’s lips and eyes, the shortness of his breaths – and when Sirius ghosted a hand down his arm, the shaking fingers he felt tightening around his own. “Listen, I haven’t got a lot of time-“

“Why did you do it?” He asked, voice full of venom. Sirius wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You haven’t killed me yet so you have to have had a reason to want to do Lily and James in-“

Sirius’ hand snapped up to cover his mouth, but it wasn’t the right sort of fear that he saw in Sirius’ face. He shook his head, lips a straight line, eyes wide and… _pleading_ with him.

“ _Please_.” He said.

Remus watched him for a second more and then nodded slowly. Sirius lowered his hand; both the one covering Remus’ mouth and the one holding his wand, so that his profile was illuminated sharply against the dark of the alleyway. “I don’t understand.” He said quietly.

Sirius wiped a hand across his face and then shuffled around until he was sat next to him, “You can have this back now,” he handed Remus’ wand over, “can’t use mine, Ministry can track it.”

“They’re saying you attacked muggles, saying you…and Peter-“

“I know, I know. They’re half right, I did attack Peter – But!” he held up a hand when he saw that Remus was making to move again, “It wasn’t me that revealed where Lily and J-Jam…” he trailed off. After a second, he turned resolutely to face him, and started again “I swear on Harry’s life Remus, it wasn’t me. Do you believe me?”

Another moment. Remus nodded again, and then said, “but you were their secret keeper…unless you…” Sirius’ earlier words suddenly dawned on him and he felt that same rage burn upwards in his chest again, “Sirius I’ll kill him!” He made to stand but the other man pulled him back down, moving to face him again.

“No Moony listen, it’s too late, Peter’s gone – no, for Merlin’s _sake_ man,” he yanked him back down again, “Look! They think it was me who killed those muggles so until we find Peter there’s _nothing we can do.”_

Voldemort destroyed.

James and Lily dead.

Sirius…

_Siri…_

He didn’t realise he had been saying the words out loud until he tried to take a breath and found a lot of wool and polyester in the way. It was everywhere: in his face, his hands, and then he realised Sirius was holding him, and the reason he had tried to take a breath was because his lungs were suddenly empty of air. Of anything. His body had become an empty void filled with nothing but incensed sadness and guilt. His sobs would have been enough to wake the whole neighbourhood if they had been able to hear him but instead they rebounded around that dark alleyway like a misfired hex, and it was all Remus could do to grip onto the back of Sirius’ cloak and stop from shaking apart right there on the spot.

“Hey, hey, hush, come on…” He could just about hear Sirius mumbling close to his ear as a fresh wave of fear for his friend swept over him. He began to push at his chest, shaking his head violently.

“Th-they can’t come after y-you, you-you’ve done nothing w-wrong, y-you’ve – Dumbledore will-“

“There are witnesses, nobody knew Peter could change aside from us and how do you think they’ll react to the knowledge that Dumbledore had three unregistered Animagi running around his school? No, Dumbledore won’t be much help, and the Order is in shambles.”

“W-well then, you…you take your bike and g-go, until we find Peter, I’ll-“

“I gave my bike to Hagrid to get Harry away, taking him to his Aunt and Uncle’s.”

“Lily’s family? No, no Sirius _you’re_ his Godfather, he should be with _you._ ”

“Don’t you think I know that!” He snapped, pushing himself to his feet, “Don’t you think I’ve thought of every possible way this could go on my way here? Do you even know where we are?”

“Well, I just…” Remus swallowed, and looked around. The truth was he didn’t, and as a matter of fact, he wasn’t even sure how Sirius had found him. He looked up at the man who, for the first time, looked as though something was making sense to him.

“We used to pass this place on the train,” he explained, “and in sixth year after I ran away you said ‘that place looks quiet enough, how about it Padfoot? The perfect place-“

“For downtrodden wolves.” Remus finished, remembering how that train ride had been both terrifying and exciting all at once. Sirius no longer had to return that hell of a family home in the holidays, but that meant he had no money, and they were kids, and he was a Werewolf, how was he supposed to help if ninety percent of the wizarding community would spit at the sight of him if they knew what he was? But Sirius had the Potters. He’d never really thought he’d made anything of the suggestion. “Let’s just live here then.” He said finally, as though that settled the matter, “We can live as muggles, who needs magic?” He got to his feet. Sirius let out a derisive laugh.

“And what about the full moon? Are you happy to be so close to people without magic to stop you hurting them?”

It was a low blow and Sirius knew it, but Remus could see the mockery playing around his lips and knew that the only reason he had said it was to hurt him enough so he could make a clean break. He had his hip popped in that way he did, shoulders slouched as if he had not a care in the world and didn’t think Remus ought to either. They stood there, breathing unevenly in the dark. This was what Sirius did; he made nothing out of everything so that he wouldn’t have to face the reality of it. It used to make Remus angry, but he’d learned some empathy since. After all, he wasn’t the only one with reason to hate the world – Sirius, more than anyone, was warranted some wiggle room in the way of defense mechanisms.

With that in mind, Remus took a small step closer, lifting his hand just a few inches until it touched Sirius’. The other man didn’t respond at first, “’Ey up, Padfoot,” he said quietly, “there’s mischief about.” He felt his fingers twitch between his own and took it as a prompt to move in closer. He took the man’s waist and brought his other hand up to Sirius’ face, cupping his cheek so the light from his wand glowed around the back of his head like a halo. It meant that Remus couldn’t see his face, but after a second Sirius tipped their foreheads together, nosing into his cheek and Remus felt new tears mingling with his own.

“I’m not losing you too.” He whispered, feeling Sirius’ breath mingling with his own and knowing he needed to get the words out now, “Let’s get out of the country first, and then we can think and plan properly-“

“Moony shut _up_.” Sirius breathed, finally pressing their lips together. It wasn’t warm and tender like that time by the Black Lake, or feisty and fiery like that time in the corridor outside Professor McGonagall’s office. No, it was hot like the last ten seconds of a quidditch match, and yet icy, like those moments following an argument. Sirius’ hand came up against his back and all he knew was the softness of his hair between his fingers and the taste of pipe smoke on his tongue. And they were crying, and empty, and pressing themselves so desperately close together as though they thought that if they became one person perhaps the pain would be more bearable.

But then the heat was gone, Remus felt Sirius recoil from him; wrenching the wand out of his hand and muttering “ _Nox_ ”, he threw it out of sight, somewhere to his left.

“Sirius…” He pressed forward again but Sirius held him at arms-length with a hand flat against his chest.

“I’m sorry.” He said, voice barely there, and Remus blinked into the dark trying to pull his face into focus.

“Sirius, don’t.” He warned, the words coming out half-strangled.

“I’m sorry Moony, I-“

“Sirius don’t you _dare!”_

“Don’t follow me.”

There was a crack like a whip and the air around Remus’ hands swam as it was displaced by the disapparation. “NO!” He yelled, not caring if he woke the entire street, “NO!”

He turned to his right and skidded onto all fours, grasping around for his wand, but it was useless; his hands were shaking so hard all he was doing was pushing loose gravel around the cracked tarmac. “No.” he said again, and again, over and over under his breath and after another second of frantic searching he lifted his hand and punched straight down onto the wet ground. The impact shot straight up towards his elbow, but it was nothing compared to the pain beginning to overflow into every crevice of his body.

The sound of traffic had resumed, no longer muffled and far away, but it felt as though it was coming from an entirely different world.

Voldemort defeated.

James and Lily dead.

Sirius… _gone._

The night Remus Lupin lost his best friends was inordinately warm for the time of year, but as he pressed his face into his arms on the sodden ground of that black alleyway, he felt only the ice-cold reality of grief.


End file.
